Tips for Combatting Murder Hornets- Because What’s One More Thing to Worry About!

There’s a lot to worry these days. A global pandemic is sweeping the planet. Your kids probably aren’t learning anything with their online classes. Your boss jokingly asks if you’re wearing pants during a Zoom call (no, you are not). It’s only a matter of time before someone in your house finds your secret stash of Oreos under the bathroom sink.

But this is the worst of it, right? Wrong. We have murder hornets.

If you don’t know what a murder hornet is, let me explain. Murder hornets (not their real name) are an invasive species of hornets that have been spotted in Washington State. They’re the length of your pinkie finger, they decimate entire bee colonies, and oh yeah, they can kill you.

Really, you could be murdered by an insect. So that’s great.

Instead of feeling even more helpless, here are some things you can do to combat the murder hornets. I promise these are easier than trying to help your kid out with her math homework. I mean seriously, does anyone even remember how fractions work?

Stay inside

You’ve been preparing for this for months! You’re no longer annoyed by all the PBS Kids shows, including that Caillou kid, who seems to have had male pattern baldness kick in at four years old. You’ve found the sweet balance between letting your kids play with LEGOs while you somehow miraculously don’t step on them in your bare feet. Now that you’re going to be stuck inside all summer anyway, why not add “avoided murder hornets” to your list of quarantine accomplishments? And if you do have to go out, wear a mask. It not only helps prevent the coronavirus from spreading but also prevents murder hornets from flying in your mouth.

Get a pet

Praying mantis

Murder hornets do have enemies. For example, there’s a video on YouTube, which I suggest you avoid if you’re even a little squeamish, of a praying mantis eating a murder hornet’s head. Like, its whole head. It’s gross. But how many times have your kids “bugged” you about getting a pet? They want a puppy or a pony or something like that. So get them a praying mantis. It eats murder hornets but won’t eat you. At least I don’t think it will. Good luck!

Chocolate helps

I don’t know if this will kill murder hornets. It probably won’t. I just know I’m buying chocolate now… for me… for a future date when murder hornets invade my neighborhood. It’s never too soon to stock up on necessary provisions for a potential infestation. Ask yourself: do you want to make sure you have enough canned corn to survive the insect apocalypse, or do you want to make sure you have enough chocolate? The answer is simple. (Bonus points if you can find a decent hiding spot for it in your backyard end-of-times bunker.)

Move somewhere else

Murder hornets like forests and low-altitude areas. So, you know, don’t go there. The Rocky Mountains are nice. One of the most boring stretches of highway I’ve ever driven went through Kansas, so that would be a good option. But Seattle? Houses are so over-priced there anyways, so just skip it.

Plant honeybee-friendly flowers

Honeybee on flower

Murder hornets kill honeybees, but bees have learned how to ambush these things and roast them alive with their honeybee bodies. Again, I got this from a YouTube video that you don’t want to watch, so just trust me. But since you’re stuck at home with the kids this summer anyway, why not plant some flowers that can feed murder-hornet assassins? Yay for educational projects! And hey, it’s good for the environment or whatever.

So listen, you have so many things to worry about. Is it really going to matter if you add another one to your list? Right now, murder hornets have only been spotted in one small corner of the U.S., so it’s totally fine to add them, but put them low on your list of concerns. In fact, you can slot them under worrying about your boss discovering that you’ve been wearing the same pajama pants for the past two weeks — at least for now.

Written by: Jenny Cohen