This Is What Moms Really Want for Mother’s Day

Hint: it’s not macaroni art.

I remember asking my mom every year what she wanted for Mother’s Day. She would always answer something like, “I just want you kids to be happy.” One year, she took it to a new level when she bought me and my brother rollerblades. I fell and got the wind knocked out of me and rarely used them ever again. From that day forward, I realized that, in the words of Eminem, probably, “Do not lose your one chance to shine. Mother’s Day comes once in a year’s time, yo.” Also, I have a controversial take on mom’s spaghetti not being great, but I don’t want to get political.

I’m wiser and I’m a mom now. I have some ideas for gifts I would like that don’t involve bringing my kids happiness. I already do that by letting them be around me every day. I let them talk to me while I pee for goodness sake- their joy cannot be surpassed. If you’re wondering what mom’s really want for Mother’s Day, I’ve done the work for you.

Handprint art, but only if it’s good

If you’re going to make art to remind me the size of your wittle hand at this age, I’m going to need a little more than just a butterfly.

A courtesy laugh

Is it too dang much to get a laugh at my impeccably timed, well thought out jokes at the dinner table? It should be happening daily no matter what, but on Mother’s Day, you better give me the laughs. I laugh at your jokes and the punchline is always some variation of “your butt.” Honestly, they are only hilarious 67% of the time and yet you wouldn’t know by my reactions. You’re welcome.

Documentary on the Clapper

This is going to be a little more work intensive, but I assume you value me as your mother. I want a docuseries on the Clapper. I want to know how they “clapped on” to the scene and what happened to “clap off” the lights of their thriving business. I want to see a lady doing a slow clap to turn on lights. A misunderstanding ensues. The slap that happens next turns the lights out. It’s mayhem (mom-ham?). I want series titles to be puns like, “Applause From Your Regularly Scheduled Program.” What do I not want? Excuses. You’re two-years-old and don’t know how to hold a boom mic? Figure it out. It’s Mother’s Day.

A Fainting Goat

I can’t explain why, but you need to trust that I need one. Preferably dressed in a brightly colored sweater and comes to the name of Leon.

Written by Mandy Waysman