This is What I Really Need in a 2020 Makeup Tutorial

Child putting on makeup

Quarantine has been great for one thing: cleaning and kicking the dust to the curb. I need to clean my car, I need to clean my apartment, and most importantly– I need to clean up my makeup routine. I am a busy, on the go kind of gal and I need one that just gets straight to the point. As a modern woman who values her time and priorities, I crave a make-up tutorial that teaches me how to reflect that.

Girl with makeup brushes

What the hell do I do with foundation? Let’s nix the concealer, please.

The ideal makeup tutorial should be simple. Liquid or powder? Brush or sponge? Foundations are already so confusing with all the options. I want to know how to get the most out of a total coverage foundation without adding concealer. Something that is going to cover my acne scarring that I am still self-conscious about while also hiding the internal shame of my failed quest for karaoke queen at the office holiday party. How was I supposed to know that “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” doesn’t have a dubstep remix?

Is there such a thing as a two-second lip color and blush application? There should be. Teach me.

Give me a tutorial that instructs how to keep my lip and blush techniques tied tighter than the pantyhose I had to wear to Aunt Lou Ellen’s funeral. I aspire to be the multi-tasking queen I believe I can be in this new decade. Blush and brush and lipstick and lip liner? Too much! I need my blush applied with the flick of a wrist while allowing me to keep my lips as glossy and red as the blood of every man who has ever wronged me. Flick, flick, boom, done!

Instruct me how to master a cut crease that will enhance my already incredible eyes.

Eyes are the window to the soul, and mine are deeper than the ocean the Titanic met its demise in. My eye makeup should show the world that I am serious and not to be messed with, but also fun and hip. I sing show tunes in the car wash and color in my Bernie Sanders coloring book while I wait on my oil change. Life is all about balance and I need the world to know this as they stare deeply into my green eye shadow. People with cut creases are the ones who are going to make the real change in this world, but those who master glitter cut creases? Try and stop us.

Show me a highlighter that will blind the human eye.

I need the real dish on highlighters. When it is 7 a.m. and we are waiting in the checkout line at Aldi, trying to balance three breakfast pizzas, a half-gallon of almond milk, and a lawn chair we did not need, I want the world to know something. Yes, I am the reason why my neighbor had to have surgery on her cornea, and for one very simple reason: my highlight was too blinding. I want a highlight so powerful that Wonder Woman’s lasso of truth would screech in terror from its power.

Most importantly, I want a tutorial that transforms me into the goddess I am. But you know, with minimal effort.

As we enter a new decade, my goal is pretty simple and humble: I want my makeup to not only enhance the best features of my face, but I want it to transform me into a demi-god like that of Megara and Hercules combined. I want my enemies to cower in fear from the sharp points of my eyebrows. I want them to screech in terror from the height of my powerful cheekbones.  Also, there’s this little scar from a roller-skating accident in the third grade I’d love to cover up.

Written by: Ash Griffith