Things I Never Said Until I Had a Toddler

Baby funny look

When you’re a parent, you think your kid is awesome and great and better than any kid that has ever existed.

Then they become a toddler.

It’s almost like your child turns into an untrained puppy. Pooping in the middle of the floor? Yep. Chewing on things that may or may not be food? Mmhmm. Sniffing their own butt? Yuh-huh. Toddlers are surprisingly limber!

That’s when you realize that even small children can still surprise you with their “unique” thought process. You don’t want to be that parent who has to chastise your kid for something ridiculous, you really don’t, but every toddler will force you to say something you never thought you would ever have to say in your entire life.

Or at least let’s hope you never have to tell an adult to not stick a piece of corn up their nose. But who knows? It’s 2020. Weirder things have happened.

So here are some of the things we never thought we would ever say in our entire lives — and then we had toddlers.

Toddler toilet paper

Don’t put that in your ear!

I remember the day my toddler complained his ear felt weird. Our first worry was that he had another ear infection, and we decided to check his ear before calling the pediatrician. We found his breakfast from eight hours earlier. First and only time I’ve had to extricate a piece of apple from a bodily orifice. (See also: Don’t put that up your nose!)

Don’t lick that!

And by “that” I mean your sister, the floor, our car, the grass, your shoes, that pole, my phone, your wagon, the toilet seat, that sippy cup we lost three weeks ago, your shirt, the window, and your pet fish. Wait, YOUR PET FISH!? REALLY!!?

Stop eating the dog’s food!

Sure, it probably has some sort of nutritional value. I mean, your dog eats it, right? But maybe that’s not a diaper you want to be changing later.

Why do you look like a clown?

Hey, remember that fancy expensive eye shadow palette you bought yourself? You know, maybe for a rare date night or brunch with your friends. Yeah, it’s all over your kid’s face. All of it. And let’s be honest: that child does NOT know how to do a smoky eye properly and it shows.

What was that brown thing you just ate off the floor?

Could be the super-secret chocolate your kid somehow found behind the oatmeal and has now dragged all over the house. Could be the fur ball your cat hacked up. Could be something else. Is your kid still wearing a diaper or did they rip it off so they could dance naked to “Let It Go” again? That may narrow down the horrific possibilities.

No, you can’t sleep in your underwear!

Your grandmother bought a sleeper that I had to hand-wash because she didn’t care about the laundry instructions (“Oh, stop being so uptight. It’s cute!”). I hand-washed that thing, hung it up two days ago, and it’s finally dry. You will wear the sleeper!

Farts aren’t funny.

Sure, sometimes farts are funny, but we are NOT telling our toddlers that. I’m serious. We parents have to make a pact now to keep this quiet or it will get out of control.

Where are your shoes?

Yes, I’ve asked myself this question before… in my closet… where my shoes are located. Before I had kids, I could never imagine asking someone else this question. And then I looked down at my toddler sitting in the grocery cart in the frozen foods section and realized they had no shoes. Spoiler alert: the shoes were on a shelf next to a box of Cheerios three aisles over.

I will give you all the sugar you want, just pee in the potty!

Desperate times, desperate measures. We’ve all been there.

No one wants your boogers!

Stop trying to give them to me as a gift. Stop putting them in a pile on the kitchen counter. Stop crying when I scrape the dried ones I didn’t see off the kitchen counter. Stop trying to get more out of your nose. Please, just stop.

Don’t put that down your pants.

Things I have found in my toddler’s diaper: apple slices, Goldfish crackers, dirt, matchbox cars, Legos, the baby’s pacifier, and poop that came from somewhere else (I have no idea where though).

I love you, too.

It’s a sentimental pick, I know. But after dealing with all that other stuff in one day that you would NEVER tolerate if they were an adult, it’s pretty ridiculous that this very needy child can tell you they love you in that cute little voice of theirs and all is forgiven. Because seriously, they have no idea how expensive that eye shadow was! But darn it, we love them anyway.

Written by: Jenny Cohen