How to Stay Sane While Being Stuck at Home with a Newborn

Tired mom

With my right boob inside of my newborn’s mouth, I look at the clock and wonder, what has become of me? I’m a shell of the woman that I used to be. Pre-Baby Sujeiry (PBS) was a hot piece of ass with highlighted hair that framed her beat face, a tiny yet mighty rack, tight and colorful outfits with matching heels, and a social life to boot. Now, I’m the mom of a newborn. I dream of taking a full shower with the door closed. And I pray that my hairstylist won’t disown me for coloring my own hair with box dye. I just can’t look like a skunk anymore.

Most of all, I miss knowing when my day begins and when it ends. I am on Evan’s schedule and it seems that I have given birth to a vampire. Not only has he sucked the life out of my once perky breasts, but he also refuses to sleep when the sun goes down. Here’s what that looks like:

1:00 a.m.: Evan sleeps.

1:30 a.m.: Evan feeds.

2:00 a.m.: Evan vomits most of the milk.

2:15 a.m.: Evan sleeps.

2:45 a.m.: Evan feeds.

It goes on and on ‘till the break of dawn much like that rap song I used to grind to at New York City clubs. As I tear up because he bites the shit out of my nipples and, of course, all the love that I feel, I wonder, what did I do? How am I going to keep it together as a new mom?!

I can, I will, and so will you. Here are some tips on how to stay sane while being stuck at home with a newborn.

Baby smiling

Try to control something.

As unpredictable as it is, I’ve become obsessed with recording Evan’s schedule. In a notepad, I write down when he wakes up, when he breastfeeds, when he poops, and yes, even the color and consistency of his shit. It sounds insane, but I need to feel like I have some control over my life. It’s either this or blow this popsicle-that-will-give-my-kid-diarrhea stand.


Please don’t leave your child to never return. Just find an outlet to keep you sane. I go on long walks with Evan at the same time every day to lose the baby weight, get fresh air, and get my vampire to take a nap. During that time, I take work calls with clients. While I continue to rock Evan with one foot so he remains in Sleepy Land, I write stories like this on my phone. I feel like I have a sense of purpose again and that I am more than his cow. Finding ways to get out of the house and to do the things that I love – even in spurts – reminds me that I am still a hot (and accomplished) piece of ass.

Drink and pump.

Blasphemy! How dare I suggest you swig some wine while your newborn is sleeping? Oh, you’ll understand when you’re on 24-hour baby duty and you smell like gym socks mixed with vomit. A sip or two of wine will help you ease-on-down the road of new motherhood. Just make sure to dump your breast milk (and have back up milk in your fridge) and to monitor your intake.

If you’re a sober mama, opt for a creamy oat milk latte, or a vanilla chamomile tea if you’re avoiding caffeine. No need to pump for these options!

Call for reinforcements.

My cousin is also the mom of a newborn and I wouldn’t be able to do this without her. We chat during my long walks and commiserate over mommyhood. Parenting is hard, y’all, so please don’t do it alone. Find your tribe. Call up a friend or family member. Get together for playdates.

Ask for help.

Your big lug of a partner shouldn’t just come home from work and sit on the couch. Mommy’s work all day and night and we need a break! Ask for help and be very specific with what you need. If you need to take a nap, say so. If you refuse to cook and want delivery, say so. If you need to go sing karaoke like it’s your American Idol moment, say so. Let off steam and come back to your family rejuvenated!

With that said, I have to refresh my child with the good stuff. (That’s my boob, again.) See you on the other side where mimosas and coffee are plentiful, brunch is still a thing, showers are a given, and our tresses shine as bright as the sun.

Written by: Sujeiry Gonzalez