Five Totally Not Depressing Ways to Celebrate a Birthday During Quarantine

It’s a major bummer when your birthday falls during a global pandemic. But don’t despair! You can still have a totally not depressing birthday, all from the safety of the same room you’ve spent the last month in. I swear! Here are a few ways to celebrate another year on this earth, without being super sad that you have to do so in the confines of your home.

Put on that sparkly thing hanging in the closet you probably still fit in.

When you look good, you feel good, so put on your best outfit! Ditch the ratty old tees and grab that sparkly cocktail dress you definitely remember fitting into before the gyms closed. You’ll feel better already. And sure, you can’t get your hair blown out at the salon, so just cover up your rat’s nest with a plastic tiara from last Halloween. Live your psychotic princess fantasy, honey!

Pick a festive (and ridiculous) Zoom background.

No more waiting in line to get into that exclusive club because the hottest place to party with your friends is now Zoom, a software you probably just heard of. Parties are now held on your laptop. You know, the same place you work and do your taxes and everything else. So pick a festive Zoom background to get yourself in the birthday mood. Glitter, fireworks, puppies, whatever! Zoom is your oyster (especially now that you can’t go to that oyster bar ever again). Invite all your friends to your virtual party. And so what if nobody has a Zoom Pro account? Everyone knows the best parties are over after exactly 40 minutes.

Make a cake out of beans.

Going to the grocery store is so last year. So what if you didn’t get cake mix because you were dumb enough to assume this would be over by now? Who cares! Celebrate the next year of your life by forming a delicious cake out of a can of beans. Bean cakes have more fiber than a carrot cake, with all the taste of beans. Too sad to fashion your beans into some kind of loaf shape? That’s ok! Just eat them out of the can. Problem solved.

Yell out the window at squirrels.

Quarantine is a great time to reconnect with nature. At least that’s what you’ll start thinking when you’re a few drinks in at your solo birthday party and you spot some squirrels in a tree. “Guess what, squirrels!” you’ll shriek out the window. “It’s my birthday! It’s my special day!” Sure, you might scare the squirrels away with your screams. “Who needs you, ya dumb tree rats,” you’ll bellow. “You’re not even humans! I don’t need you! I’ve got a bean loaf!”

Summon Bloody Mary to sing you happy birthday.

Technically, you’re not allowed to have outside guests at your party. But self-quarantining doesn’t apply to murderous ghouls, so channel your inner fifth-grader at a sleepover. Simply say Bloody Mary’s name three times in the mirror, and you have a perfectly safe party guest. She won’t even eat any of your bean cake because she’s not a corporeal being. No, the best hors d’oeuvre you can serve Mary is your own despair. And one thing’s for sure: with her mildewy hair and blood-soaked Victorian gown, she won’t look better than you.

So that’s it! Five simple steps to have the quarantine birthday of your dreams. Maybe it’s not how you planned it, but hey, at least things will be back to normal by next year, right? Right??

Written by: Erin Fenton