At-Home Dates That Are Really, Totally Achievable With a Baby in the House

Because nothing says romance like spit-up running from your hair to your tit.

Having a baby changes your relationship in ways you can’t even imagine. While you and your partner once gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes, you’ve now had the experience of them staring straight into your vagina as you forcibly evicted that DIY bundle of cells that emerged as the most adorable cockblock you’ve ever seen.

But just because you’re parents now doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice on romance! Here are some fun at-home date night ideas that will keep the spark alive for even the most exhausted new parents.

Netflix and Ch…anneling Demons as You Growl for Your Baby to Go the Fuck to Sleep

Just because you’re stuck at home doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy a movie night! One fun date night idea is to pop on the ol’ streaming service and find something to watch while you cuddle. However, be warned! One thing they don’t tell you in the baby books is that your child will likely be born with a sixth sense for when you’re actually trying to accomplish something and will use that psychic power for nefarious purposes. This means that while your hubs is trying to round second base to the soothing sounds of the British Prime Minister being blackmailed into fucking a pig on Black Mirror, your sweet baby will wake up every ten minutes forcing you to remember your new station in life as a sexually frustrated human vending machine. But that’s ok, you have an extraordinary power too! You have the ability to speak in a low guttural tone that is usually saved for a few select circles of hell as you curse the fact that your child won’t sleep, yet you can switch to sounding like a sing-song Earth mother goddess when you pull them out of their crib to give them a wee snuggle.

Playing Sexy Games, Like “What’s that Smell?”

Everyone loves a good game, which explains the popularity of sexy dice and other such romance-boosting shenanigans to play in the bedroom. If you’re stuck at home and looking to spice things up, there are plenty of games you can play to help strengthen your bond and get you in a playful mood. One big crowd-pleaser with couples is “What’s That Smell?”. This is where you and your partner try and figure out where that omnipresent funk is coming from. Truth be told, this game is so engrossing because of the options. Is it spit-up on the back of the couch? A misplaced dirty sock? Maybe it’s just an old bottle that rolled under the cupboard and is housing a small colony of novel new bacteria that are aspiring to become the world’s newest stinky cheese? Spin the wheel, bitch, nobody knows!

Realizing Your Titty’s Out and Just Seeing Where That Leads

At its very core, romance doesn’t have to be overly complicated or planned. Some of the best dates are memorable because they include spontaneity. This is good news for you, a person who hasn’t slept properly in three and a half months. Your home-based date night might be the fact that your left titty has been out for four hours and you and your partner both just happened to notice. The great poet Christopher Marlowe once said, “O, thou art fairer than the evening air clad in the beauty of a thousand stars,” and I bet you inspire that exact level of emotion with a wayward titty on the prowl.

Pajama Sutra: Folding Laundry and Bitching About Your Day

When you have a baby, it can be hard to know what day it is, what time it is, and when you last showered. Your connection with your partner when it comes to day-to-day stuff can be lacking. One homebound date you can have with your spouse is taking the opportunity to reconnect while you do all those shitty chores that are piling up around the house. Put on some music, light a candle and start folding those nursing tanks and puke-stained onesies as you talk about how you miss things like sleep and socializing. Romance!

Escape Room Home Edition: Arguing Over Who Gets to Go Out and Get the Oil Changed

By far, one of the best home dates you can have with your partner is to play “Escape Room Home Edition.” You figure out a task that needs to be done outside of the house without the baby, and then you battle it out to decide who gets to go. This kind of date is fun because it gets your blood pumping (from the fighting), and forces you to be pitted against each other in a competition of who “deserves the time away more” (hot!). All that conflict-ridden tension is sure to go straight to your genitals, so make sure you can get that baby the fuck to sleep so you can get busy after whoever loses is done giving the other the silent treatment for three days.

So there you have it! With a little creativity, you and your partner can still have super sexy date night fun in the comfort of your own home.

Written by Mandi Em